


Don't Look Back

by infiniteworld8



Series: Visible in Hindsight [3]
Category: Black Veil Brides
Genre: Agoraphobia, Andy Biersack Being An Asshole, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety at Crowds, Ashley Purdy Being an Asshole, Ashley and Andy's dogs, Blind Character, Developing Relationship, Difficult Circumstances, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of past kidnapping, Mini-Sequel, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Running, Running with a Dog, coffeeshop, mention of rough sex, prepare to cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 16:18:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13275231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteworld8/pseuds/infiniteworld8
Summary: It's a few months after Ashley and Andy have survived being kidnapped by Master. But the aftermath is just as painful in some ways as the actual kidnapping. Ash and Andy are both OKAY. Except they're really not.





	Don't Look Back

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the quote  
> "Don't look back you're not going that way.
> 
> This can be read as a stand alone, but for those who know me this is also the mini-sequel t VIH. I've been asking myself how are Andy and Ash doing after what happened with Master...the answer is in this fic. Also I'm toying with writing a sequel. WTF, a sequel you say? Don't flog a dead horse! Well, actually there is another story to be told. Master was a sick sick puppy, but the reason he kidnapped Andy (a rather high profile guy) was for an entirely different reason. Andy was a delivery that Master kept for himself...Intrigued? You should be. 
> 
> And now without further ado. Have a story. Leave me comments if you like or oreos. Oreos are nice too.

_“Hold still.”_

_Breath panting in his ear. One of his legs twisted painfully to the side. He tried to move away, the guy holding him was too heavy. He had lost to much blood, breathing was a chore. He couldn’t help crying out as the guy pushed—_

The sound of an alarm clock ringing and the sensation of something wet lapping at his ear startled him awake.

He stared confusedly around, to find the digital display of the alarm clock on Andy’s bedside table read 6:05. That was all he got to see before, a little ball of brown fur pounced on his chest and the licking to his ear ceased.

“Fuck, Daredevil!” Ashley growled out, still upset by the nightmare. Daredevil wasn’t discouraged and started licking his face in earnest and batting his paws blindly at Ashley’s hair.

Ashley laid back his heart still thumping, and then panic threatened to overtake him again.

Andy’s side of the bed was empty.

Ashley sat back up, trying to force down the sick feeling in his chest. Andy was fine. He was just in the apartment somewhere.

After the dream Ashley had just experienced he couldn’t shake the feeling of dread. He was relieved when seconds later Andy walked in. The half-light, peeking through the curtains was just enough to see that he was carrying a mug of something. “Sleep well.”

“Yeah…yes.” Ashly sighed and laid back. His chest hurt like he had run a marathon. He tried to calm his breathing but Andy noticed it.

He carefully navigated his way through the room, blindly side stepping the pants Ash has tossed down on the floor and the stack of magazines near the TV stand, before stopping at his side of the bed and turning off the alarm.

He sat on the edge of the bed and his voice was soft. “Are you sure?” He looked worried, eyebrow’s pinched together, mouth a tight line and his eyes…. forever staring blindly out and milky white. Ash swallowed and looked away from them trying not to notice the scars on Andy’s face or his eyes. He loved Andy, probably more than Ashley loved himself. But some days the pain of what had happened to make Andy look like that and then what had happened to them both later was too fresh.

Ashley cleared his throat. “Yep awesome.” His voice had a hard edge but Andy switched topics. Which Ashley was grateful for. If Andy had kept pushing it would just turn into an argument. An argument they already had had. Repeatedly.

Andy said Ash needed therapy and pointed out his panic attacks, night mares, fear of leaving the house (Andy’s words and ideas not his.) Ash had denied he had those issues and pointed out that Andy had quit therapy two weeks into it. Andy pointed out that he was fine. Ashley asked why Andy thought he could handle it without seeing a shrink, but though his boyfriend was batshit (Ashley’s words not Andy’s). They both got louder and louder, Ashley swore, Andy swore back, and then one of them stormed off after the other or them both said things that neither meant but were just intended to cause pain.

“I already fed and let out Tokyo and Killer.” Andy said, referring to Ashley’s two little dogs. Andy added. “So ready to go?”

Andy’s question had Ash immediately groaning. He laid back down. And all but whined “It’s not eve light yet.”

Andy didn’t reply to the obvious delaying tactic instead he pulled open the curtains allowing the early morning sun to stream in.

“Fuck.” Ash pulled his pillow over his head and mumbled into the cloth. “This isn’t morning, this is like the ass crack of dawn.”

Andy snickered at that, and Ashley’s pillow was pulled from his face. “We’re still going running.”

Ashley sat back up, still grasping for straws. “It’s cold outside, I don’t like running in the cold.”

“It’s L.A., it doesn’t get that cold.”

Ashley snatched his pillow back from Andy and put it back under his head before trying again. “I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.”

“You’ve got coffee and last time you ate before running you puked.”

Ashley grimaced at that reminder. He sighed, “So I have to miss breakfast, and go exercise…what am I getting out of this?”

Andy shrugged, and went to the chest of drawers and began looking for clothes. Ashley watched in silence as Andy, ran his fingers over the clothes, knowing by the feel of the fabric what each item was. He waited a moment then tried a last ploy. “You know there is a way we could get everything done at once, no running involved.”

“Hmm?” Andy was back, with a pair of shorts, and a T shirt. He began pulling the clothes on.

Ashley watched as Andy pulled off the T shirt he had slept in and tugged on a black one that had an Alkaline Trio across the front along with a few rips.  The scars from the gunshot wound and the colostomy afterwards were still vivid as ever, angry ropes of pale skin marring his otherwise flat stomach.

Ash’s stomach flipped again. He tried to force his mind back to what he was going to say and reached out grabbing Andy’s arm. Andy yelped at the unexpected contact, as Ashley pulled him down. Andy laid against his chest and Ashley savored the moment before running his hands through Andy’s hair and saying matter-of-factly. “We could fuck.”

Andy sighed dramatically at that, and did something that looked like he was trying to roll his eyes but without pupils, it was unnerving. “I should have known you were going to say that.”

Andy tried halfheartedly to get up, but Ashley gently held him there and sucked at his neck for a second before letting up. “It’s a great idea, that’s why I said it.”

“It’s a terrible idea. “

“Sex is great exercise. We can try some new positions, fuck for hours, burn some calories.” Ashley continued. “and I’ll get breakfast at the same time.”

Andy frowned. “What? Ugh…. yeah no, last time we did that chocolate shit or whatever you wanted to slather on me, I got a rash.”

“I wasn’t planning on putting any food substances on you and Are you sure that time it wasn’t hickies?”

Andy blushed. “Ash you told me it looked like a rash.”

“hickies look like rashes.”

“No, they fucking don’t. No wonder the guys kept snickering.” Andy ran a hand across his face in embarrassment, then straightened up like a thought had occurred to him. “If you’re not planning on mixing food and sex then how are we getting breakfast?”

Ashley smiled wickedly even though he knew Andy couldn’t see. “You’re breakfast.” Ashley slipped his hand from where it had been around Andy’s chest to the waistband of Andy’s shorts.

He grasped Andy’s length causing his boyfriend to shudder before continuing talking. “We’re going to fuck, and I’m going to get every last bit of cum out of you and swallow every drop…starting now.” He slipped out from under Andy and was leaning over him about to pull of Andy’s shorts and make good on his promise when Andy sat upright frowning at him.

“Sex later.”

“Oh…damn.” Ashley, had hoped Andy would fall for the trick. About half the time, seducing Andy was a surefire way to get out of running that day. By the time they finished having sex, it was usually past noon and neither of them felt like exercising. But Andy appeared to have caught on.

“I’m running Ash. With or without you.” Andy got up and continued getting dressed. He pulled his shirt on and started searching for his shoes. He looked up after fruitlessly running his hands under the bed and added genuinely. “You seriously don’t have to come. I know the way and I’ll be fine.” He leaned forward and kissed Ashley’s lips before going back to searching for his shoes.

Andy’s shoes were near the edge of the chest of drawers. Ashley almost blurted it out but forced himself to watch Andy search everywhere. If he told Andy where they were that would be another fight. Andy was fiercly independent, and even more so since he had become blind. He hated to have things done for him and as the months had worn on it had only gotten worse.

Ashley yawned, then reluctantly got up. He walked by Andy, intentionally walking louder than normal so Andy wouldn’t notice Ash grab his shoes and place them inches away from where Andy was blindly running his hands down the shelves in the closet. Andy would find them in a few more seconds this way and still think he had done it himself.

It was the small things like this that meant the most. Andy didn’t want help so Ash didn’t let on that he was helping him.

Ashley waited to make sure Andy found his shoes then, stretched and walked toward the bathroom scratching his stomach. “I’m coming. But we’re not going like fifty miles.”

Andy called back as Ash started using the toilet. “Why not?”

Ash finished pissing and was washing his hands when he answered back. “Because all of us aren’t training for the fucking para-Olympics.”

Ash peeked out just in time to see Andy flip him off. It was another joke between them. Andy was surprisingly a really good runner and during one of their runs, Andy and Ash had accidentally wandered into a 10k race that was going on. 10 minutes into the route Ash had realized what was going on (He’d like to see anyone else up at 6 am, fully coherent.). Instead of making them leave the course one of the guys had noticed Andy was blind, and commented on how fast he ran, and mentioned the para-Olympics (Never mind, that Ash had to run just as fast with shorter legs to boot).

So now, when Andy wanted to run some insane distance (anything over a mile was insane), Ash brought out the para-Olympics joke and Andy flipped him off.

Ash tugged on a pair of shorts. Grabbed a T-shirt and jacket and downed the rest of his coffee in three gulps. By then Andy was crouched down, playing with daredevil. Looking at them both, no one would have realized both the dog and the man playing with him were blind.

Ash laced up his gym shoes before snatching Daredevil up. He put a harness on the dog and added a leash before letting out a groan. “Can we go now?”

Andy nodded “Yeah sure.” He paused at the apartment door. “You have daredevil?”

Ash nodded before remembering Andy couldn’t see it. Instead of answering he passed the leash to Andy. Tokyo and Killer were cuddled on the sofa, napping and Ash gave them each a head rub before heading out with Andy.

They walked the few blocks to the park. Andy was right, it wasn’t exactly cold, but after being in a warm bed only 15 min before, the crisp early morning air wasn’t welcome.

Andy set off at a slight jog, but quickly picked up pace. Ash winded up being sandwiched between Daredevil and Andy. Andy ran just to his left occasionally bumping his arm into Ash’s as a way of keeping on the trail. It was a familiar pattern and Ash soon lost himself in the rhythm. Sure, he bitched about getting up in the morning, and skipping breakfast but a small part of him liked this. It was just him and Andy (and Daredevil of course). And besides keeping an eye out for obstacles and telling Andy there wasn’t much for him to do but run.

His feet pounded against the park trail. It was still early that more than a few early morning joggers who nodded at him and Andy, the place was deserted. The grass was still wet from a storm last night and the earthy smell of petrichor hung in the air.

Andy picked up his pace and Ash speeded up along with him. Ash’s heart was thundering his chest and he had to focus on breathing to make sure he took in enough air. One of his calves ached.

They exited the park and turned onto a running trail. Ash glanced at daredevil to find the little dog breathing heavier but keeping up. Andy, was just reaching stride.

It was kind of scary sometimes. Before Ash had started taking Daredevil along Andy would run and run, long past what was reasonable (or even sane). He ran until, he was gasping for breath and close to puking and sometimes past that. Ash’s attempts to get him to stop or slow down, had been fruitless and as Andy would continue without him in any case Ash had done his best to keep up. (This had been another sore spot with them. Ash had pointed out Andy was running like he wanted to punish himself. Andy had snapped off on him, about being controlling and a whole host of stuff.)

Bringing Daredevil along was an easy way to take the argument out of it for both. Andy might run himself until he was puking in a trash can and close to passing out but he’d never do the same to his dog.

They went almost 2 and a half miles before Ash called out. “Isn’t it time to turn back?”

Andy didn’t stop running as he answered. “I’m good with one more mile.”

Ash gritted his teeth. One mile always became two which became three… “You are, but Daredevil’s not.” Ash added for good measure. “He’s got tiny little legs. We’ve ran a marathon equivalent for him.”

Andy slowed, then reluctantly dropped to a walk. He bent down scooping up the little mutt and buried his face in the dog’s brown fur. “You’re a good boy Yes, yes you are.” Ash rolled his eyes as Andy breathlessly cooed at the dog, while nuzzling it.  Andy’s propensity for baby talking animals was downright embarrassing at times even when no one was around.

They walked halfway back to the apartment which took twice as long as it had to run twice that distance. But Ash wasn’t complaining because at least they weren’t running.

“Let’s grab breakfast here.” Ash hadn’t realized where they were until Andy had stopped. _Here_ , was a small coffeeshop. Specializing in coffee and pastries, with a small but delicious selection of breakfast and lunch items.

At least Ash knew it was delicious because that was what the review had said. A few weeks ago the place had opened, Andy had suggested they go a few times. But Ash didn’t want to be in a loud crowded restaurant. There were too many people.

They had talked about this. The last concert they had played Ash had barely made it through. As soon as he got off stage he had locked himself in the bathroom and had what he suspected (but refused to admit) was a panic attack. Since then he had avoided public situations. Restaurants, expos, parties…He was tired. He was working on something He wasn’t interested. Ash had made excuses, and Andy had swallowed them without too much of a fuss.

Except for earlier this week. Andy for some reason wanted to go to a coffee shop named “The Grind”, which looked like something hippies and hippie wannabes frequently along with their equally free spirited but more fashion obsessed cousins’ hipsters. At least it was dog friendly.

“Andy! — “Andy pretended he didn’t hear and pulled the door open walking in. Ash had two choices. He could walk away and go home, or join Andy. The first wasn’t an option and Andy knew it, there was no way he was leaving Andy out alone or going back to their apartment alone (He didn’t like crowds, but he also couldn’t stand being by himself in their apartment, away from Andy when anything could happen to either of them.)

Andy, was standing just inside the door. Ash reached out for Andy’s arm intended to pull him out and rescue them both. Andy once again foiled his plan as he sensed footsteps near his and turned to a waiter dressed in a T-shirt and skinny jeans so tight Ash was sure his junk was getting uncomfortably squeezed. “Is there a table open?” There was an empty spot a few steps to Andy’s right but of course Andy didn’t know. The waiter looked confused for a moment, before he realized Andy was blind. “Yeah, right over here.” He walked to the table and Andy settled down.

The guy pulled out a menu written on a mini chalkboard (Ash once again rolled his eyes, this place was too trendy to be real) and started chatting about what the special was. He was obviously gay, if the lisp and tight as fuck jeans showing off his ass didn’t advertise it, the obvious way he was flirting with Andy did. Andy wasn’t flirting back but he wasn’t sending the guy away either. Ash, pushed past a table occupied by a giggling couple of college age kids and settled opposite Andy. The waiter –his name tag said, Dylan-- looked at him, one blond eyebrow raising. Ash, leaned across giving Andy a longer than appropriate for the circumstance kiss on the lips. “Thanks for getting seats for us babe.”

Ash pulled back from Andy and looked at the waiter. “Dilbert, I think we’re good for now. We’ll call you over when we figure out what we want.” The waiter stiffened at the intentional misuse of his name and looked like he wanted to say something but then walked off.

Andy sighed and muttered under his breath. “You’re such a dick, did you have to be like that?”

“Like what.”

“You know what.”

“I don’t know fucking anything so if you know something why don’t you fucking tell me.”

“You’re being more of a dick.” Andy put down the chalkboard menu he was holding. “You’re just mad at me you don’t have to talk it out on that guy.”

 _“That guy_ was flirting with you.” Ash grumbled. He glanced over his shoulder as someones voice rose behind him and people started laughing. His skin was crawling. He turned back just as Andy was saying.

“What if he was? I wasn’t flirting back and even if I was, you used to flirt with everything that moved, before…” Andy trailed off and grabbed a napkin off the table. When he found it was paper he couldn’t shred he twisted it nervously between his fingers.

Ash knew what he had been about to say. “Before what?”

Andy shook his head, and didn’t say anything.

“Before what? Jesus fucking Christ say it. Say that you think I’m bat shit since that mother fucker kidnapped us. Say it. You act like it all the time.”

“I don’t!” Andy looked up at that. His face angry now, where before he had been more annoyed. “I don’t think you’re crazy but I think you need too— “

“Not that bullshit again!” Ash said it so loud the people nearest them gave him disapproving looks. Ash resisted the urge to flip them off. Instead he tried to focus on Andy and away from the burgeoning anxiety growing in his stomach with every moment he sat there.  “I’m not going to a shrink. End of conversation.”

“I don’t want to fight.” Andy said it quietly and Ash almost felt guilty.

His anxiety was overcoming the guilt though and fighting with Andy was a welcome distraction. “You’re the one that started this.”

It was a lie but it slipped out easy. Daredevil whined and Ash looked down to find the dog had padded over to Andy and was begging to be picked up. He climbed up in Andy’s lap and Andy absently stroked him.

There was silence for a few minutes in which Ash, picked up the menu and persued it without seeing it.  His stomach was in knots and everything was too loud. Up until a few minutes ago he would have asked Andy to leave, but now he was determined to stick it out and prove Andy wrong,

Almost like he had read his mind Andy said appeasingly. “We can go home if you want? I know you don’t—I mean it’s probably overpriced here and the coffee doesn’t smell that great and— “

“It’s fine.” Ash gritted out, then deliberately over talked Andy. “We’re fucking here so we might as well eat something.”

Andy cringed at his tone of voice. Ash pretended not to notice. He waved down the waiter, Dylan, and ordered a cup of coffee and a muffin. He figured it wouldn’t take long to eat and then he would have an excuse to hurry Andy along so they could leave.

The waiter looked pissed with Ash and turned to Andy with a much more congenial expression until he remembered Andy couldn’t see him and instead adopted a pleasant tone. In response to his question of what Andy wanted, Andy looked awkward and mumbled. “Uh, what do they have Ash?”

Ash knew Andy wanted him to read the menu (which he usually would do without asking) but was still pissed so he pretended he didn’t know what Andy wanted and answered. “Not much.”

There was an awkward silence in which Dylan finally offered “I can tell you the menu if you want?” Dylan glared at Ash as he spoke, and Ash silently glared back. Andy seemed to sense the bad vibes and muttered. “No, it’s okay. I’ll have what Ash is having.”

“Sure.” Dylan straightened up, and if looks could have killed Ash would have been dead. But he was too far gone to care. Sweat was dripping down his back and it wasn’t from the exertion of the run. He nervously drummed his fingers on the table and glanced around the shop hoping that if he just faced everything he could stop the feeling of dread that was getting worse by the second.

There was a woman with red hair, twirling a strand on her finger and she doodled on a tablet and sipped something from a green mug. Then there were the college students, now engaged in some card game as they shared a plate of donuts and coffees. An elderly pair of ladies that looked like sisters but were probably a couple considering how they kissed each other on the lips before digging into plates of pancakes and eggs. And finally, a guy hanging out in a seat by himself near the window, his hair was reddish brown and hung half in his face. He wore a leather jacket and was it Ash’s imagination or was …

“Here you go.” Dylan was back. He sat Andy’s food in front of him, earning a wan smile from Andy. Then Dylan turned to Ash and slammed the plate and coffee down. Ash would have commented as a few drops slopped from the cup, but coffee was the least of his worries.

That guy—

Ash turned back to find the guy leaned over a paperback reading it as he twirled a finger in a cup of something. It had been his imagination…it had to be. It was fine.

Nothing was going to happen today.

Ash’s hands were trembling, he was sweating more than ever, and the clamor of quiet voices in the coffee shop was deafening.

“Fuck!” Ash swore as something rasped across the floor and nudged his foot. He nearly jumped out his seat until he realized it was Daredevil. The dog was eating something of a dog dish and it took Ashley a few moments to remember that this place also served free dog snacks. It looked like shredded chicken breast but Ash wasn’t sure.

“What happened?” Andy asked.

“Nothing.” Ash sucked in a breath trying to get his heart to calm. “I’m fine.”

It wasn’t what Andy had asked but Andy didn’t ask further. Ash took a sip of the coffee burning his tongue, then grabbed the muffin biting off a chunk and trying not to stare continually around him. Andy was picking at his food, head bowed. Ash swallowed the mouthful of muffin absently noting it was blueberry then washed it down with a gulp of coffee.

The food was churning in his stomach.

He couldn’t focus.

Voices were swirling around. Ash jumped again as someone laughed. His heart rate cranked up another few notches. His breath was coming out in small pants. Ash tried to force himself to calm.

_Ash?_

_He’s going to hear every minute. A voice whispered by his ear. And when I’m done with you, I’m going to kill you and then he’ll be mine forever._

“Ash.”

_Gun shots ringing out…blood choking out his mouth…Andy crying_

Something crashed to the floor.

“Ash!”

Ash jumped up as someone grabbed at his arm. His chair slammed backwards to the floor. Instinctively he swung out backing up at the same time. Ash’s fist caught his attacker in the face. He pulled back as the man grabbed his arm when he angled for another blow. Ash managed to pull his arm free and reached out for the guys wrist intending to snap it.

A dog was barking.

“Ash!”

Ash stopped fighting as he realized who was across from him. Andy.

People were staring at them. Andy had a slowly darkening mark to his cheek where Ash realized he had hit him. Daredevil was racing in circles around both of their ankles.

Ash wanted to apologize. But he couldn’t get a word out or a breath. He felt like he was choking.

Andy seemed to sense it.

“Ash?” He once again stretched his hand out, tentatively reaching for Ash’s fingers. When Ash didn’t resist his grip Andy fully took hold. He reached in the pocket of his shorts and fumbled for a moment before pulling out a bill. It was one of the twenties, and had a triangle notched at the corner so Andy knew. It was too much but either Andy was too upset to notice or he didn’t care.

Ash tried to focus on stuff like that so he didn’t freak out more. “Ash, babe, let’s go.” Andy’s voice was gentle, he grabbed daredevil’s leash and wound it around one hand. He would have started out but someone stepped in Andy’s path. It was the waiter Dylan.

He was pointing at Ash and saying something. Dylan looked pissed. A customer joined them. Andy was saying something, they were arguing. Andy yelled and they backed off.

Ash tried not to puke or pass out.

He held Andy’s hand tightly as they left the coffee shop. Andy led the way. Ash was trembling so hard he was having a hard time walking. People stared at them as they walked by. The blind guy, walking a dog and leading his freaking out friend.

“Do you think you can make it?” Andy asked. It was a simple question with some many things to it. _Do you think you can keep from passing out, freaking out, having a panic attack in the middle of the sidewalk until we get home or should I get ready?_

Ash managed to jerkily nod. It took 15 minutes to get home.

A block from their apartment Ash pulled away. The muffin came rushing up, followed by coffee. He heaved at the base of a potted plant, before wiping his mouth on his T shirt.

Andy was rubbing circles on his back and after he finished reached out grabbing his hand again tightly. Ash held on like a life line. They made it up to their apartment and Andy locked the door. Ash tried to stumble towards the sofa but it was too far and his legs gave out.

His body was shaking worse than ever. He wrapped his arms around his knees, rocking back and forth to soothe himself. He kept taking gasping breaths and felt light headed. Andy went to the kitchen and then came back crouching on the floor next to him. He held a paper bag out. Andy held it out. “Here, remember breath in and out. Slow breaths.” Ash took the bag, his hand trembling too much to hold it. His fingers were cramping, feeling like they were locking up. A side effect of hyperventilation he knew all to well. Next, he was going to pass out.

Ash welcomed the thought of darkness and quiet. Only he knew Andy would freak if he passed out, so he forced himself to try to slow down as Andy held the bag up for him.

Andy’s fingers were gently touching his and his voice was equally gentle. “Is it okay if I touch you?”

That was another thing that had developed since that guy had kidnapped them.  Usually Ash had asked Andy, knowing that any stray touch unexpected or even if he didn’t want to be touched because that day was a _bad_ day would make everything that much worse. Since his experience with Master, Ash had been loath to say he had similar issues, but after Andy had come up behind him a few times or woken him up without speaking and gotten black eyes and bruised jaws for his trouble they had agreed this was best. Plus, during panic attacks touch sometimes made things worse

Ash nodded, spasmodically. Andy slipped behind him wrapping his legs around him and pulling Ash against his chest.

“It’s okay. It’s all okay, I’m safe, you’re safe. It’s fine.” Andy kept saying it repeatedly. Just like Ash did for Andy when the roles were reversed. So far, they hadn’t both freaked out at the same time, but considering they were both messed up that was only a matter of time. Who knew what would happen then.

Tokyo, Killer, and Daredevil, had crowded around them, licking his hands and arms. The dogs didn’t understand what was going on of course, but they sensed something was wrong with their humans and were trying to make it better in their own way.

Ash’s breathing evened out and eventually he was calm enough to speak. “Sorry.” He repeated the apology again as a tear escaped his eyes quickly followed by a torrent.

Andy didn’t say anything, he just buried his head in Ash’s hair as Ash turned toward him soaking his shirt. It was minutes before he pulled away and by then Ash’s nose was all stuffy and his eyes were swollen. Andy was sniffing too.

Ash pulled away rubbing a hand over his eyes and looked at Andy. Andy had tear trails down his face and a very prominent bruise to his right cheek.

Ash felt like shit knowing he was the one who had injured Andy. He reached out, tracing the bruise on Andy’s face with his fingertips before apologizing again.

Andy placed a finger over his lips and said quietly. “Let’s talk about it in a minute.” He started to stand, stretching and groaning. “We’ve been on the floor for almost two hours my legs are killing me.”

Sure enough, the living room clock read 10:52. Ash, swallowed and stood up, following Andy to the sofa. He felt drained, now that all the adrenaline had worn off it was like all the energy in his body had been sucked out.

Andy, wrung his hands looking nervous. “I’m sorry.”

Ash shook his head at that. “Don’t you apologize. I’m the one that yelled at you not to mention punched you in the fucking face.”

“Yeah, but…I knew you didn’t want to go there and I practically forced you. I— “Andy broke off then continued in a quieter voice. “I knew—guessed you would either freak or realize you couldn’t handle it…I thought you’d realize after it today that you needed to see someone.”

Ash felt betrayed, pissed, confused, hurt and a whole host of emotions he couldn’t even name yet.

“Was that what this was today? A fucking plan of yours.”

Andy nodded looking miserable. Crow had padded up to Andy to be rubbed but jumped away hissing as Ash yelled. Ash swung a hand out. Ash wasn’t sure who he was madder at, himself for confirming to Andy he was bat shit or Andy for concocting a plan to prove it.

“I’m insane. You’ve got your proof, lock me up.” Ash stood up, pulling at his hair. “Did you think about this shit for one minute.”

“I just wanted to help you.” Andy was crying now. “You won’t go, you keep saying you’re okay and you’re not…Ash except for runs you haven’t left the house in two weeks. Some days you don’t shower. You don’t eat. You just sit there and stare at something only you’re seeing or you’ll lock yourself in your room and sleep all day and night after you’ve drank yourself to sleep. You’re…you’re not coping well.”

Ash stabbed a finger at Andy, unable to believe they were bringing this up. “I’m fucking coping. Getting kidnapped twice and having some shrink talk to you for a few weeks and tell you it’s okay how that guy fucked you whenever he wanted and tried to kill us does not make you an expert on mental health!” Andy shrank away as Ash yelled and his face went white. But Ash wasn’t done. “. And as a matter of fact, you’re anything but doing well yourself. You want to talk. Let’s talk about our sex life.”

“Ash please.” Andy was sobbing hard now. The dogs were barking and Ash was aware the neighbors probably could hear as loud as they had both been yelling.

Ash ignored Andy’s pleas. “You want me to fucking choke you until you half pass out, or beat you until you’re bruised. You told me three nights ago, to hold you down as you begged me to stop, and I felt like I was fucking raping you.” Andy was a sobbing mess but Ash continued. He was crying again too. “Not to mention. When you topped a while ago and was going at it so hard, I bled for two days...I was screaming for you to stop and you called me fucking _pet_ while you were doing it ….so no you’re not _okay_ either.”

Ash mumbled out the last few words through a wall of tears. Andy was sobbing. Ash felt like shit. He was pretty sure Andy did too and Ash felt even worse knowing he was the cause.

This was what _they_ were becoming.

A force where each was slowly destroying the other. Ash sat down, and almost at the same time he and Andy mumbled. “I’m sorry.” There were more apologies after that and promises. Ash didn’t hear it all and he wasn’t sure Andy did either. At some point, it all petered out. By that time, they were cuddled up against each other. Utterly exhausted.

Ash’s eyes started to flicker. Andy rested his head against his chest. Ash leaned into him, pressing as close as possible like somehow, he could hold them both together. “I love you.”

Ash waited for a minute before Andy sleepily whispered it back. Ash’s eyes started to close.

And just like that things were okay again.

Except they really weren’t.


End file.
